It's 2:14 AM, and I have beef.....

I have gotten myself into quite the uproar this evening over something that matters none.

In tonight's headlines on ESPN, the great Dennis Rodman having his jersey retired is taking a backseat to LeBron James getting heckled. That's right. One of the most under appreciated basketball players of all time is taking a back seat to King Dipshit being called a doo-doo head.

Official word count given to tonight's headlines: LeBron's multi-bazillion dollar ass being called a few names - 159 words. Dennis Rodman getting his jersey retired by the Detroit Pistons = 89 words.

In my mind, that's total bullshit. But in this type of world, the ever changing, fast-paced "forgot you existed (even though it's only been a few hours)" lifestyle , this is normal.

Rodman, in my humble opinion, was a better basketball player than 95 percent of today's NBA. He didn't just rebound-- he got in your head. He was an amazing shut-down defender, and he was never a "me first" type of player--only a me-first guy in front of the media (which is smart--that's who they love to talk about. Talk equals MONEY).

He was a role player and an all around great. Case in point: Rodman = Five NBA title rings. LeBron = ZERO rings.

Yet despite Rodman's team-player attitude on the court (where it matters), he will always take a backseat to the flashy assholes with no rings and bunch of meaningless scoring titles.

Such is life.

I'm going to end this now because I'm extremely sleepy........bottom line is this.....

Team players, role players, defensive masterminds, guys with FIVE fucking rings and know how to WIN..... there's no love for this type of player anymore. This is old news. You either win the championship AND the scoring title, or be limited to 89 words.

If you're good enough to accomplish both feats, AND be heckled by a poor schmuck who PAID to see your dumb-ass play ball.... a FAN who makes only 1/1,000th of your paycheck and should, by having helped pay your super-ridiculous salary and inflated your spoiled ego, have every right to call you out......

Then and only then can you be considered great enough to earn 159 words in an ESPN headline.

I Love to Yell

I've sat in front of this computer for almost two hours now, trying to figure out what I could type in this little box that would be both gratifying to you, the reader....and a complete mind orgasm to me, the "writer".

I've given up for the evening, but since I've only made two posts in the course of a year, I feel compelled to post something. Basically for the simple fact that I don't want to feel like I wasted two hours bitching about Wal-Mart and their Great Value knock-off products.

Seriously. Less than five minutes ago, this post was oozing and spewing a ton of hot mess about just how disappointed I was with "Cinnamon Crunch", the budget version of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. How it ruined me. How my face contorted when I took that first bite and realized it was all a lie...how some corporate pig decided to pull a "Cinnamon Crunch" and sell you "Toast Crunch" without the cinnamon (which I totally could've made in like two seconds with my toaster. I totally could have...)

Believe me, I can rant for days about how Great Value never ceases to disappoint me, but how many jokes can I actually make about food?? Apparently not enough to feel satisfied. Sure, Great Value is the ultimate tease. Their cheese tastes like wet paper. Their paper towels taste like cheese. Their meat is cut with a shovel. Everything is ass-backwards, and you save $0.30 to punish yourself and your family with the only store brand that actually tastes cheap (not to mention you get a lifetime of children's tears and personal regret when they spy "Pedro" the Rabbit on that box of "Tricks" that you just brought in your home....then your wife says "Not in my house!", grabs the plunger, and you both proceed to get in a huge fists-a-plenty brawl in the front yard while your neighbors watch and whisper about your dead tulips you didn't have two minutes to water because of your big boy job and how "that shows why you'd by Great Value cereal", while she gets put in a cop car on domestic violence charges and you have to use that $0.30 to help bail her out). I could bitch all day......

.......but I don't want to sink to their level.

So instead I'm going to switch to my third font of the evening and tell you just how much I love to yell. Not your stupid redneck "whoop" ...or a party slut's "wooooo". I like to yell things that make no sense. I like raising my voice when entirely unnecessary. I like to yell about yelling.

Yelling at people is pure joy....but the irony of the situation is that it's pure hell to be randomly yelled at. This, in my opinion, is how shouting matches start. One person randomly yells something-- and the volume bar has been set. You can't back down, and you can't speak in a tone any lower than your aggressor previously shouted because no one is going to listen and/or give a shit. And you'll look stupid. So you yell louder than they did, which in turn causes the aggressor to yell even louder, and you will scream even louder and with gusto, and so on and so on until decibels are at such an extreme level that ears bleed, babies cry, cats get in fights just to match the noise and the only endgame is a battle of Connect Four Fists.

Hell, even reading a forum post that is typed in ALL CAPS get's my blood pumping and gives me a boner (because that's basically screaming on the net). Unless you can totally tell the person doesn't know how to actually turn it off.

So you may ask "Warren, how do I fulfill my need to yell at someone, but avoid confrontation?" Answer: I don't know who Warren is, but my personal choice is to yell from a moving car. It meets all the necessary requirements for a good time.

Avoid confrontation: Check

Fills void: Check

Get personal enjoyment and still arrive at destination on time: Check

Confused look on passers-by face: Check

Response yell is at lower volume because you're already further down the road: Check

Just don't yell at someone in a nearby car. That defeats the entire purpose.

Well I'm done with this horrible excuse for an informative post, because Animal Planet is showing an "Animal Hoarders" marathon, and I have to find out why this lady has 157 cats.